The Flatulence Doesn't Seem to End....

   Okay, so does BER send me on the road with just incredibly gassy women??  My boss.....," Hey does Eileen fart alot??....No?.....Okay well we wont give her to Matt because we need to give Matt speakers that will fart in his presence....."  I had it happen or the first time last week, on my thigh (read previous post) and now, I meet my speaker this morning, and within 15 minutes of shaking her hand and getting in the car, she farts in the car and it smells!  I mean...really?!  Whats the deal?!  I must have a "Please, fart on me or in my presence and I will be okay with it" vibe going on or something.  Pat use to do that to me when I was 12.  Have I come in full circle to where old ladies think its funny?!  Whatev....

  Sooo anyways....  I went to New Orleans this past weekend, and it was ridiculous.  First off, flying from Burlington to  the NO, I had a layover in Washington D.C..  I hate D.C.'s airport, but since it was the weekend, found a littla bar, pulled up a chair and talked to a cute girl for an hour.  before rushing to my gate at the last minute to catch my flight.  I was literally the last one on, and as I am walking down the gateway, one of the employees form USAirways runs up to me and is like, "Hey wanna bump up to first class?"  and of course Im like "Hell Yea!".   This flight was awesome.   Just had drinks and great snacks and relaxed.  I love bump ups, they do a body good.  I arrive in New Orleans (Naaaaawwwwwwllllleeeeaaaannnnsss) and go to the house we have rented for the weekend.  It was super nice, and cheap for where we got it.  Now this week is when a lot of colleges have gone on spring break, and we expected some serious ridiculousness to happen, so we headed to Bourbon St..  This street is just ridiculous.  Every establishment is a bar.  There are karaoke bars, bars with bands, there are club bars, and a never-ending  flow of booze on every corner.  The street was packed as well.  Hundreds and hundreds of people were on this street all just drinking and partying.  It was kind of ridiculous and obnoxious.  After a night filled with dancing and singing, we woke up and got some breakfast at a small cafe down the street.  After this we headed back downtown to watch some basketball at a bar called Ref's.  This was an amazing bar with AWESOME wings and food.

  (Bourbon Street picture above)  We watched the UW game and had a few beers and headed to the house as soon as the game was over.  We hang out, and lounge around and play a card game or two and get ready for another night.  We decided to go to ACME oyster house which is a famous restaurant with amazing seafood.  While there we enjoyed grilled oysters and crawfish.  We washed it down with some 

hurricanes they made for us to drink, we drank them, got drunk.....T-PAIN!?!?!?  The crawfish were spicy, salty and amazing!  The grlled oysters were covered in butter and were also amazing ot eat on top of a nice piece of french bread.  All this was to be concluded with an Oyster shot, an oyster in a shotglass with vodka and tabasco..... sound disgusting??  It is.... I wish I had the after picture of me, but somebody else has it.  I look like I am about to yack all over the table we are consuming this delicious food on.   Pictured below is the Oyster shot....  

  After another ridiculous night, we all manage to miraculously compose ourselves and get to the airport.  I get on my flight, fly to Atlanta and catch my next flight to Philly and here I am in Cherry Hill again.  I go to Atlantic City tonight and am kinda looking forward to it.  Im starting to miss home a little bit and REALLY look forward to having a week off in 2 weeks.   Deuces from Cherry Hill yall.....

The Northeast tour....

  Its cold outside, but that is to be expected when your in the most northeast section of the country and it is snowing outside.  I am in Burlington, VT and this week has been what seems to be another week of a job that I have definitely settled into.  The speaker I am with this week is a sweet ol' lady from Indiana who is very relaxed, which is awesome because in turn, I can be relaxed.  Not much has happened this week, but thought I would fill ya in on the weeks happenings anyways.

  The week started off with me getting up at like 530 on Sunday, after a late night out, and head to the airport to fly to Newark, NJ.  I was on Alaska Airlines, which is my favorite airline to fly.....but not on this day.  I board the plane and EVERYONE is already on.  Im literally the last one to get on the plane and I am dumbfounded. They boarded the plane early so to de-ice the aircraft.  All the overhead space is taken, two gentlemen (one of them HEAVY set) have to get up out of the row I'm in so I can get into my window seat.  I place my bag underneath the seat infront of me, leaving me no room to stretch out my legs.  For a 5 1/2 hour flight, stretching your legs is important.  After getting into my seat, the gentlemen get back in their seats, and the heavy one sits next to me, spilling over into my section of the row.  ( Total side note :  You would think with all the flying I do, I would have sat next to somebody who has either bugged me or would have been proportionately bigger (side note on the side note: proportionately bigger means they're a fatty) on some trip from one city or to another already)  Well for 6 1/2 hours (waited an HOUR to de-ice....wanted to pull all my hair out) I sat in my seat with no leg room and a behemoth next to me reading his book jabbing me with his elbows as he stuck them out while reading his book.  I would nudge him and make it obvious I needed space, but he just wasn't getting the point.  Ya know the box that they have outside the terminal walkway where you measure your bag to see if it will fit into the required measurements that the FAA has set into place so as to prevent a good use of space on the plane??  They should have one of those for humans.  If you spill out into the walkway, or over an inch into someone elses seat, you get moved.   If a person is extra tall (a person simply cant stop growing up), they can request an exit row seat, or bulkhead seat so they can fit into the plane.  My question is.......Where is the FAT row??  I wanna know where the fat row is, because there are people who are clearly made uncomfortable on a plane due to the amount of room the person sitting next to them is not giving them.  Now, there are 2 common people that others dont want to be sat next to on a plane...... a baby (screaming) and a fatty. Now babies cry and scream and dont really know any better and will likely stop.  A fat person can PREVENT being fat.......okay maybe thats where I need stop this rant........put it this way, I was made uncomfortable on the plane to Newark.  WHEW .....anyways.....

  So I arrive in Newark to the Holiday Inn at the airport where I have been before.  Its alright, but the staff is horrible, and the food is just ridiculously expensive.  There are no restaurants around except a white castle like 2 miles down the road, but seeing as how I am not wanting to eat square burgers that look like they were meant for the keebler elves ( their burgers are small...dont get it??? whatever...) I decide to eat at the hotel.  I get a salad, a bowl of soup and some milk, and it was 28 bucks!!!!  Now the meal was good, but was it worth 28 bucks?!?!  Hell no! The seminar the next day went just fine, and we drove that night to Cherry Hill, NJ which is about an hour and a half south from Newark.  I am like the new mayor of this town.  I am constantly in Cherry Hill, NJ for this job.  (A man who works here at the hotel I am at in VT just went past my registration table with a shit-eating grin pushing a bucket of trash dancing like a dork because I have music playing on my computer......it just made my day)  After the Cherry Hill seminar, we got on a flight on USAirways (dont like USAirways) to Boston.  We flew out of Philly, and we sat on the tarmack for an hour and a half due to airport traffic.  We got into Boston around 1030 and to the hotel around 11:15.  We were staying in a Hilton Garden Inn which ten to be pretty nice.  It was St. Pattys day (F-off Steve for saying its a weak holiday) and they had green cupcakes at the registration desk.  In the time it took the front desk attendant to check me in, I had 2 of the cupcakes.....(what a fat kid).  The seminar was an easy one the next day, and there was a cougar who wouldnt stop talking to me ..... is that a bad thing?  No way, that provides so much entertainment value for my day and Im kind of a lil flattered.  GO COUGS!  ...wait....which one?!?  (The same guy who was dancing before just walked past my table again and told me how the wheel on the trash can he was pushing had broken off. Do I care about the wheel?? No, but he has some missing teeth and he talks funny.....needless to say, I like him already)  ....anyways..

  As we are loading stuff into the rental car we got, a Toyota FJ cruiser which is an interesting sport utility vehicle that hauls butt (pictured below left.....what the fuck is with the squinty eyes ya douche bag??), for Boston , my speaker goes to pick up a bag of hers that is kind of heavy.  I am standing behind her,and as she goes to pull up, the force she exerts from lifting causes her to fart LOUDLY directly onto my right thigh.  Now if this were one of my friends, they would be dodging my fists with lightening speed, but this was a frail ol woman who goes,"Oops, excuse me. Im sorry."  I hold back the laughter that is literally bursting in my gut and in my head and we start driving to

Manchester, NH.....just ridiculousness.  I love the next seminar city, because I dont have to do anything except show up, sign people in, eat the food that is given to me, and talk with the other program manager on site.  EASY day.  After that seminar we had a 2 1/2 hour drive here to Burlington and have found it to be a nice city.  All the people are really nice and I think for lunch I am going to go downtown and explore.  My family and I use to come up here for a number of years to visit friends, and I want to relive a few things like the Vermont Country Store.  

  Today, I fly out to New Orleans where I will be for the weekend and will be celebrating one of the PMs bdays.  The groups of program managers I am going with is really cool, and will actually give me some insite on what my decision might be for a few of my future endeavors in this job.  Well I hope all is well with you honkies reading this....deuces from Burlington, VT.....

  P.S. - I might post some more badass pics later in the day....

Ohio, South Dakota, Colorado, Montana, Utah, Spookie-loo-loo-loo-loo-loo/spokompton/ spoke-vegas/shithole/methtown/Spokane......

  Well Well Well, fancy seeing you here....  Okay, so I have another week to tell ya about.  Last week was my adventure through beautiful Ohio (pretty sure form past posts you know about my sarcasm about this state).  I ended on flying to Baltimore where it snowed 9 inches in one night, but it soon melted and everything was in the clear.  My speaker for this week, seemed nice, but as I got to know her more and more and we traveled together, she seemed just a little off.  After Baltimore, we took a flight to Cleveland, OH.  

   In Cleveland I rented a car, a Dodge Charger (fast mofo) and rallied the shit out of it.  Our first stop was decent in a Double Tree which is a completely new hotel chain for me.  It was nice, not the best, but not the worst.  It was comparable to a Sheraton, no free breakfast, nice rooms, comfy beds, and decent service.  The restaurant there though was awesome.  I got a steak salad, and that just rocked my socks off.  After that our travels took us to Akron..... do i need to say anymore?  I could go on for hours about this place, but let me sum it up in one word.....whatapieceofshit.  We stayed at the Quality Inn, and this place was of really poor quality let me tell you.  I had hair all over my shower, the drain was clogged in the sink, the locks on the door were broken off, the remote didnt work, and I had the the feeling that a coke deal was going on in the next room.  Thanks BER for putting us up in a ritzy place.  Also during this time, my computer started to act funny.  My internet application and Safari program had started to act up in Cleveland and was getting worse in Akron, so instead of sitting around the Quality Inn, i found a "licensed Apple technician" a few miles away and took it to him.  Not only did this guy not fix my computer, but he erased EVERYTHING off of it, and said he didnt have time to put it back on even thought he said it was an easy fix.  I swear to god this guy was a total ass-brain.  On top of that, he made me pay $90 for him erasing all my information of my computer.  I argued with him for about 10 minutes said "i dont have time for this shit" and left Akron just plain ol' pissed off.  Luckily, I have a time machine application on my computer that saves all my info, and had recently run it so I could get all of my information back on, but still this guy was a moron.  Anywho, we left Akron and drove to Columbus.  Columbus was decent, and had an awesome gyro place next to the seminar facility we were at.  Also the hotel we were at, Hilton Garden Inn (pretty nice btw),  was run by alot of Ohio U students.   In Columbus, I took my computer to an Apple store where the guys at the Genius bar told me how to load everything back on and reboot my computer in a way that would fix what that cumfarter (too graphic and vulgar???...sorry for you sensies out there) did.  Columbus was aight, then we drove to Cincinnati.  I have been to this hotel before, and its nice.  They have a Priority Club floor (points program for Holiday Inn)  that has really nice rooms with flat screens and a concierge room with pop and cookies and shit.... its nice.  Had subway for lunch, its my staple on the road besides Panera.  After that seminar we flew out of Cincinnati and I went home.  Throughout this car trip through Ohio though, my speaker kept telling me how when she dies she wants to donate her body to science.  This might have been her topic of conversation for a good 1/4 of the car trips we were on and how important it is that humans have cadavers to study on to cure things.  I agree, its a good thing but i dont rant and rave about how awesome it will be when my body will be poked and prodded with needles and foreign instruments or might possibly be cut up and disposed of in some weird way.  Whatev, to each their own I guess.  

  After a short weekend home, watching the Cougs lose to UW, they deserve it, but it doesnt change the fact that UW is a school for concubines and cocksuckers (holla), I was back on the road.  I flew out on Sunday at 11 a.m. which was amazing. I got to sleep in an extra couple hours and didnt have to rush to the airport to catch a flight that would most likely be delayed or sit on the tarmack for an hour.  I was flying to Rapid City, South Dakota, and it reminded me of the Palouse alot, only less people, seriously.  This place was deserted.  The only time they have people is during the summer and its for Mount Rushmore about 25 miles outside of the city.  The hotel we were staying in was really nice, but was very empty.  So that means i get an upgrade!  I got a 2 room suite with 2 flat screens, 1 1/2 bathrooms, a massive bed, and a couple cookies.  That rocked.  Hardly anybody was at the seminar and we departed on a plane that was meant for 40 people, but there were only 5 of us... I got my own row on the plane, love it.  We flew into Denver and from the get go this was a different experience.....

  First off, I rented a car cuz its a long drive into the city and its cheaper to rent a car than get a taxi.  Also, my seminar/hotel was changed at the last minute to a hotel down the street and everything shifted for the day.  We were staying at a Sheraton where a MEAT (acronym for some sort of meat organization that actually spells MEAT) convention was going on with a bunch of fat  drunk texans yelling about how good MEAT is.  My hotel room was decent, but they had great service.  In my room I received a free bottle of wine, a basket of fruit, some crackers and cheese, and a few bottles of water.  They hooked me up!  It was compliments of the hotel Catering manager to sweeten me up so BER will come back more.

  Will we?!  Not for a bit....  The hotel was under some serious construction and I knew the next days seminar was gonna be hell from all the attendees and teachers complaining, but first.......

  So another BER program manager was gonna be in Denver and he had a friend who he says is alot of fun in Boulder.  So i meet up with Kyle (other pm) and we head to Boulder in the rental.  We meet Adam, his friend whowas kind of a grungy hippie character. It looked like everyone from Boulder was that way, and he was nice so we went and got someting to eat and headed back to Denver to our hotels.  Before that we stopped off at the liquor store, open till 1000 btw (awesome), and grabbed a fifth of rum.....just pure stupidity.  After killing that, we met another friend of Adams at a bar called Double Daughters, played beer pong at the bar and ended going back to my hotel room around 430....just dumb.  This picture defines the night.  I get up the next morning, struggle down to my seminar at 720 and feel like a mess, manage to get everything set up, sign everyone in and fall asleep on my seminar table.  When i wake, the Bolivian National soccer team is around my table, and 5 professional soccer players are laughing and giving me shit about being hungover.  They knew the drill.  They would say,"Mas cerveza o tequila amigo?" and laugh. I had on and off convos with them all day, they were hilarious.  There was a bunch off press too, like taking pictures, and i got in a picture with one of them.  Im a soccer star in Bolivia now, the first Irishman to play for them.  They were playing Mexico the next day and were there doing TONS of press for it.  For lunch I went to Jimmie Johns, always solid meal, and after the seminar went to Maggianos and got some Pesto Linguine....IT WAS AMAZING!  We drove to the airport and took off to Billings at 940 pm and landed 1130 pm.  I hate late flights.  Stayed at a hotel that I have been to before and it was an easy seminar.  After that seminar we flew here to where the mormons live in Salt Lake and am at a Holiday Inn that has nice rooms and comfortable beds, but bad service and no free breakfast, ultra lame.  Theres also NOTHING to eat around here.  I fly to Spokane tonight and tomorrows seminar should be easy.  I have a flight scheduled for 530, but hope to go standby on another because flights from Spokane to Seattle happen literally every 30 minutes, its insane.  Alright well I will see some of you tomorrow and hope all is well..... Deuces from the land of mormon.....

  

Long time.....alot to tell.....New York, Ohio, midwest....

Okay, so it has been a while since I posted.  After a week and a half of my computer not loading onto the internet and some douche bag in Akron, OH erasing everything and charging me 90 bucks to screw up my computer, i got it fixed.   Of course as always, I have been to some really rad places and some shitholes that would wipe the smile off of anyones face.  I would also like to thank the loving people who have made snide remarks on my facebook and over the internet to post. Those motivate me more to keep this meaningless explanation of my travels going.....Im going to slice your face off....wait... what?!  

  Anyways I will start with my birthday, it was good.  It was filled with unicorns, interesting cakes, fish-eyed dogs, singing, and most of all booze.  Thanks friends.   I would also like to thank those close friends who traveled to Las Vegas and New Orleans over my birthday, so thoughtful (Just giving ya shit guys, ya know i hate.....i mean love you retards....alot negativity today huh???  God i love it.  I got some cool new things and had alot of fun.  In all seriousness, thanks.  

  After my good b-day, I worked in the office at BER in Bellevue, which might be the most boring, monotonous thing i have ever done, besides those 3 days I worked in a warehouse in Woodinville packing backpacks full of toys for Macys all around the U.S. and soon quit.  I hate temp jobs.  At the end of that week I traveled to New York, New York.  

  New York, as everyone says, is an absolutely awesome city.  Big surprise huh?  I took an early flight out there and landed at JFK.  After waiting literally and hour for my bags to come off the conveyer belt, I grabbed the nearest taxi and spent an ungodly amount getting into Manhatten to our hotel.  It was a new Holiday Inn with tiny rooms, but they were nice.  It was, get this.....100$ bucks a night.  For New York thats unheard of.  I first made a quick trip to Brooklyn to see my friend Jessica Soga and had some sushi with her and her cute Photography coworker (holla back).  After gettin a little saucy with them with some Sapporo, I headed back downtown to meet up with the other program managers.  We all met and hung out at the hotel to get our minds in weekend mode after a week of work, and headed to a couple bars.  One of the PMs used to live in New York, so she knew her way around and showed us some rad places.  I don't remember the names of the bars (big surprise) but they were alright and it was a kind of a chill night, just drinking and talking.  The next day we wake up and 2 other PMs and I go to a small breakfast place called Blue Moon or something along those lines, and I get the cream cheese and lox.  Now these lox arent like small strips of salmon, this was like they deboned the fish and through the whole fuckin filet on this thing, literally.  (It was like a fish with a cracker on either side...... Mitch Hedberg?!)  It was a whole filet and son of a bitch it was good.  After making small talk and discussing todays events, we met up with one of the Kyles (PM) friends named Evi who was pretty rad.  She told us of this place called Brother Jimmys.  It is a restaurant/bar that serves southern style food, and oh god it was ridiculous.  The food was amazing and the wings were godly.  I wish I could have tried more of the food because I am sure it was just as good, maybe better than the wings.  After several pitchers, over 100 wings, and good discussion, we decided to go to Central Park where we were to meet one more PM and get things going.  After foolin around in Central Park, seein the tunnel Kevin (Macauley Culkin) ran through  in Home Alone 2: Lost in New York, and the rock in Little Nicky where Adam Sandler sat, we headed back to the hotel to get ready for the night.  After getting ready we headed to a place called I think McSwilleys or McSwirleys.  it only served 2 types of beer and was awesome.  You paid 2 bucks, (cash only) asked for light or dark and they handed you a 12 ounce mug of beer and these things were being consumed in record numbers in this bar, for good reason tho.  This beer was awesome.  It got a little crowded and we headed out.  After a drunken piercing idea from one PM, and taking nips off a bums brown bag (no joke, just dumb) we headed to a small !rish (accidental exclamation point, but i like it...) bar where some serious pool was played and discussion was to be had.  I forget the name of this bar, but I know its next to the place we went to after which is called Iggys Rock and Roll Karaoke Bar.  Oh man, this place was it.  I have found my Mecca.  It was packed, and from the outside, its a spider whole, but once you break through the small entrance and get in the back, its awesome.  There is probably a 3 foot tall 10 foot long stage in a 40X 40 room with a bar and people are belting out karaoke songs on stage.  This place was awesome.  Everyone was enjoying the drink and being ultra supportive, singing along and living the dream for a few minutes as they drunkingly stripped, danced, or flailed their way to karaoke fame.  It was a 2 hour wait to sing a song, so none of us did it, but to be a spectator was fun enough.  After staying their late, we woke up in a haze and headed to Arnie's Deli which is an authentic Jewish Deli with amazing food.  Never have I tasted a better sandwich in my life.  The reuben sandwich at this place was outstandingly delicioso (It might be spelled wrong but I forgot my Spanish, plus I aint Mexican fool!  Im AMURICAN! joking...not about the American part, just in general....yea....shutup.....).  The food and plates set in front of us to eat were out of this world.  Everybody cleaned their plate clean and even ate all the pickled green and red peppers served as somewhat of an appetizer before the meal. After a few PMs left to catch flights, a few of us headed to another little bar to get a quick pitcher to let our headaches subside and digest.  We sit downa nd say one pitcher 4 glasses, to which our waitress says "We have a deal of 2 pitcher and 36 wings for only 5 bucks more.  To which we respond, "Done SON!"  After consuming more delicious wings and few drinks, I head to JFK where I am flying out.  

    As i arrive I can see that most of the flights are cancelled, including mine.  A bad snow storm is coming and its just creating all types of ridiculous fuckery round the northeast.  For my job thats a hassle.  Delta tells me to head to Laguardia to catch a last minute flight out to Reagan (not where Im suppose to be going, but is the closest to Baltimore as i can get).  I rent a car in Washington D.C. and drive 2 hours through the night in a snowstorm in a Chevy Malibu.  I arrive in Hunt Valley, MD around 1200 and crash.  

  The next week I went to Ohio, and drive through all sorts of stupid towns and small POS areas dealing with unsavory characters who screw up my laptop and give me more reason to not like Ohio....  Alright until possibly tonight or tomorrow, deuces from Billings, MT......